I feel hypocritical writing this because I have been guilty of the things I’m about to write. The longest (unmarried) relationship I have ever been in was four years. However, I entered the relationship in my late teens. Now that I am older and wiser, my heart bleeds when I see women wasting their youth and beauty on a man who is just towing them around.
Over a week ago, I came across a heartbreaking video on facebook. A young lady was sharing her story of how she wasted 9 years of her life with a guy who would not commit. Mind you, they had a child together.(another post on this to come) and after giving him an ultimatum to make an “honest ” woman of her and their child, he decided--he wasn’t ready.
So…. they broke up.
Like most women, she was expecting the guy to ponder on things and realize just how important she had been in his life. After all, they’d had a stable 9-year relationship and a child to bind them. As the saying goes:“ better the devil you know” and quite honestly, there was no reason for him to give up nearly a decade of love and loyalty. The ultimatum was supposed to be just a “wake up call” and to get him to “man” up. She was certain he would be back on his knees--preferably with a ring in his hands.
Let’s just say that never happened and to add salt to injury--he met another woman and married her 5 months later……
The video was hard to watch because she was still hurting but trying to mask her pain by convincing herself that, God had put her through that situation for a greater purpose. The comments below the video were equally disturbing as many believe she had dodged a bullet, and because Karma is a female dog, the guy was going to get his a*s chewed up someday. WRONG
Let me start by saying, God gave you a brain for a reason. To think, to analyze, to judge a situation, to make sound decisions.......God did not “allow” her to go through this to prove or to show her anything. She ended up in this situation because she did not use her brain. That, or her mother didn’t teach her well(but most likely, she just wouldn't listen to her).
First--It’s time to know that if you do not heed to the natural order of things that control the dynamics of the male-female relationship, you will continue to make the same silly mistakes over and over again—all while fasting and praying… and it’s not gonna be God’s fault.
Second—understand that while Karma may, indeed be a b*tch……she’s not a “bad b*tch”. Your ex might have wasted your whole life and left you as a single parent—but you allowed him to do that and, there is a high possibility, he will move on, find love and live life happily ever after. I promise you, I am not trying to be mean or unsympathetic, and as mentioned, I have been in this situation before but being honest, and taking accountability for the things we allow to happen to us stops us from repeating the same mistakes.
Remember, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome is the perfect example of insanity.
With the title of this article, many of you may argue that you can’t fully know someone enough within a year to lead to marriage but Let me just put this out there YOU WILL NEVER FULLY KNOW A PERSON “ENOUGH” UNTIL YOU HAVE ENTERED INTO A LEGALLY COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP AND LIVING TOGETHER. I say “legally” because, within cohabitating relationships, people can still be tip-toeing around each other with the hopes of putting out the best version of themselves. Additionally, courting for 3-4 years when you are 16 is not the same when you are in your 20’s or 30’s or 40’s. In fact, long term dating is not something I would encourage women to get into at all because it serves us NO ADVANTAGE.
Let me explain:
I believe that long term dating goes against what nature intended for women--and all the signs are there to caution us against such relationships. The most cautionary of these signs involves the nature in which men and women invest differently in relationships.
Women Invest time, Men invest resources
Men seek beauty and youth while women seek money and power.
This is not necessarily because men are shallow or women are “gold diggers”. Immortality is what man craves and the closest he can ever get to that is by passing his genes via offspring. This is why men gravitate towards women they are sexually attracted to (beauty) and with whom breeding is possible (youth). It can be viewed as a simple “mathematical” equation:
Beauty= sex + youth= immortality (aka children, their legacy, the carriers of their bloodline)
Listen--Beauty and youth IN MEN has no social value because it has little bearing on the creation process. There is no correlation between a man’s looks and youth to his fertility because in general, the fertility of a man is not limited by time/age. Because of this-- women gravitate towards men who are financially secure and powerful. Money + power = better chances of a woman and her children being provided for, and protected--this is hardwired into women’s psyche due to the patriarchal nature of our society.
Nowadays with women entering the workforce and achieving the means to cater for themselves and any progeny they may have, the argument is usually that, they do not “need” men who are financially secure. Nevertheless, a woman's “net worth” is of little value to most alpha males. Beauty and youth will always triumph when it comes to dating/marriage. Being financially independent as a woman has its advantages but it does not flip the coin on these relationship dynamics. As such, long term dating favors men because it allows them to enjoy the beauty and youth of a woman without compensating for it by offering her a relationship that provides her and any future children with legal, financial and social protection (marriage is not just a “piece of paper”….dont fall for that).
For a man, a long term relationship gives him time to work on himself and raise his bargaining power (money ) while diminishing hers (beauty +youth). Such relationships provide men with the emotional environment to thrive while elevating their status as eligible men. A man who comes out of a 9-year (uncommitted) relationship is not viewed as being “used and dumped”, he is seen as a man not afraid of long term commitment—right?
Unfortunately, youth and beauty are fleeting, and with time, nature takes away what it gives to women as a bargaining power so while a woman is busy “holding” onto the prospect of a long-term relationship, the price of her youth is diminishing by the day and that famous clock of hers is tick-tocking away…. Men, on the other hand, have nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING to lose in a long term “uncommitted” relationship. They are not invested in such relationships because time means nothing to them. This is why a man can easily walk away from a 9-year relationship on a whim and feel nothing about it.
The lesson here is that unless a man has invested TANGIBLE resources ie Pays BILLS, Mortgage, Cars, Tuition, Insurance, etc, then the period of time he has invested in the relationship has littleto no effect on him. That's just the way they are and this is also one of the reasons why divorce is seldom initiated by men (too much to lose) and they hate the idea of paying alimony after a divorce.
In addition, Women are notorious for getting too emotionally invested in relationships. The more time is devoted to it--the deeper the emotional attachment! As a result, women are naturally unable to keep their options open especially while in a long term relationship and the failure of such a relationship can do a number on a woman’s psyche leading to self-esteem issues.
In summation--If you have been dating a man for 1+ years, both of you are not in your teens, and there are is little to no discussions about marriage, then it’s time you reevaluated your position in his life. (and please be aware that men who keep you in long term engagements “waiting for the right time” are just as bad )
Any comments—please leave below: